Like most human beings, I like pleasant things and dislike unpleasant ones. In fact, I used to really, really hate feeling yucky – “what’s wrong with me that I have these horrible feelings?” Over time, with mindfulness meditation, I’ve learned to make peace with the myriad of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations that assail me. The tool that has brought such wonderful freeness and joy into my life is … self-compassion.
Within the past decade, social scientists and medical researchers have begun focusing on self-compassion. They’ve defined it as:
- Noticing that you’re in pain.
- Opening your heart to your pain and feeling kindheartedness towards yourself during this time of distress.
- Maintaining an open, non-judgmental mind to what is arising.
- Providing yourself with gentle nurturing and tender caring.
I don’t know about you, but I’m always in the need for gentle nurturing and tender caring. And who else is better qualified to offer this to me than I am.
Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a psychologist and researcher at the University of Texas in Austin, has a wonderful web site about self-compassion – http://www.self-compassion.org/. On her site, she discusses the three basic elements that comprise self-compassion. These are:
- Self-kindness – Being warm and understanding towards yourself, rather than ignoring your pain or criticizing yourself when you fail, feel inadequate, or are suffering. As well as, making sure that you recognize your successes and strengths.
- Common Humanity – Remembering that all humanity suffers, so that painful experiences and personal inadequacies remain part of the human experience … not just happening to you.
- Mindfulness – Taking a balanced approach to your suffering by observing your experiences, sensations, and emotions with open, non-judgmental awareness.
You could say that the need for self-compassion crosses cultures and centuries. Rumi, the 13th-century Persian poet, wrote the following poem over 700 years ago:
“This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowed of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out of some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.”
