When I learned how to meditate 22 years ago, it seems so simple – just focus on my breath. And I also believed that if something was simple it would also be easy. Boy, was I ever wrong.

 As I think about it now, a simple diet plan doesn’t mean it’ll be easy for me to follow. Or instructions for a simple, user-friendly smart phone end up gathering dust because I’ve given up trying to learn the various features. Unfortunately, in this culture, simple and easy have become synonymous.

 You naturally become discouraged when you’re not “smart enough” to master quickly something simple. “There must be something wrong with me, if I can’t easily focus on the breath for 5 or 20 minutes during a simple meditation.” The problem is not you, me, or the meditation…it’s our expectations of what and how meditation should be.

 When reality and expectations clash, everyone faces frustration and a sense of personal failure. When reality and expectations remain consistent, then you significantly reduce your disillusionment, disappointment, and discouragement, (they never go away, only greatly lessen). Instead you’re emotionally and psychologically prepared for stumbles, roadblocks, detours, and dead ends. That doesn’t mean you like all the difficulties, but it does mean that you aren’t blindsided by most of them. Yes, you get frustrated, but you also expect difficulties and lack of perfection, which helps protect your self-worth, motivation, – and keeps you working towards victory.

 The closer expectations and experience match, the greater the chance for your success. So, do think of meditation as difficult, frustrating, and a never-ending learning process. Know that every time you meditate, regardless of how “easy” or “difficult” it was, you’ve accomplished a great feat and should feel proud of yourself for doing something that isn’t easy.

 When I teach meditation, I always get questions as to the benefits of meditation. Below is a list of benefits that science researchers, MDs, and long-term meditators have found. I’ve just copied and pasted one of the slides that I use in these talks.

What’s important to realize is that none of these benefits come overnight or within a month or two. Meditation is a long-term investment for your physical, mental, and emotional health. This means that you have to keep meditating even though you may not see immediate results – which is difficult for people who are results focused.

With all the science research on meditation, you no longer have to take the benefits on faith. You do, however, have to have faith that you, too, (like others) will also obtain these proven benefits. Each time you sit to meditate, whether it’s five minutes or 50 minutes, you are acting on faith. Even after 20 years, taking 30 minutes to meditate or going on retreat still have a subtle element of faith for me.

Most people, myself included, begin meditating to become a happier person and to create a more peaceful and fulfilling life. Of course, many of us want it all NOW.

It’s Ok if meditation’s going to be difficult the first one or two times, but more than that it’s really irritating. I’m not meditating to get more frustrated and agitated. I want peacefulness.

I also wanted patience, now. I wanted to see, feel, and hear the fruits of meditation within the first few weeks. Of course, the more impatient I got, the more difficult the meditation became – and so the cycle spiraled downhill into self-anger (why can’t I do a better job?) and anger at meditation (why isn’t it working … for me?).

Yes, I heard long-term meditators say and write that change happens underneath the surface of day-to-day living. That slowly they see subtle changes until life just seems to have shifted for them. And they became happier people.

I heard them, but thought that I should be different – somehow better, faster, and less messy than others. And so, I struggled with meditation, impatient with the lack of visible and rapid progress.

Then, with time, meditation’s mystery and miracle shifted my thinking (the brain’s wiring, also). Slowly, I gained a modicum of grace and peace with my practice. I developed patience with meditations that didn’t go perfectly (as I defined it). At the same time, I gained greater acceptance with my life in general.

In fact, my definition of the “perfect” meditation evolved to every meditation is perfect as long as I just do it. I’ve become patient with the process, accepting whatever occurs. That doesn’t mean I’m pleased with the way every meditation goes. It does mean, however, that I’m open to the process, trusting that it will continue working its magic.

Whomever you are and where ever you are reading this, please know that meditation will bring untold gifts into your life, even if you’re not seeing them now. Please trust the process and let it naturally, spontaneously bring patience and magic into your life.

I’ll end this post with a wonderful quotation by Thubten Chodron, an American Buddhist nun.

When you plant seeds in the garden, you don’t dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they’re ready.

I began meditating 20 years ago to fix my imperfections. Of course, meditation didn’t go smoothly or perfectly, so I felt even more damaged and imperfect. Not a pleasant place to be – the very tool to make me feel good about myself was making me feel worse.

 Over these years of struggle, meditation worked its magic because I began to relax and accept imperfect meditations. (Of course, I still don’t know what a perfect one is.) And then, I gradually began to accept that I, me, and mine will also never be perfect … no matter how hard I tried or what I did.

 You see, being human and being perfect remain contradictory, incompatible, and impossible. Somewhere along the way, I got tired of banging my head against a brick wall – or clutching at air. And just let go. Ah, what freedom to know that perfection was out of reach.

 What relief to know that I no longer had to strive for something that left me feeling inadequate.

 Just as I don’t expect to jump over my house because of gravity, I no longer expect to be “perfect” because there is no such thing as perfection. Just ask two chefs discussing the same risotto or two critics describing the same movie.

Nowhere have I found the ultimate and universally agreed upon definition of perfection.

 How wonderful to feel OK just as I am. And this journey began with learning how to accept each meditation just as it occurred. Wanting to change nothing.

 Does this mean that I’ve stopped working to improve myself?

Of course not. Life offers me thousands of ways to make enhancements – I just don’t focus on some artificial perceptions of perfection. Moment-to-moment improvements become the goal and with each success celebrated.

 I found another benefit to letting go of perfection, I no longer need to zero-in on my mistakes and faults – so that I must frantically fix them before anyone else notices them. Now, I focus on what I’m doing well, what’s succeeding, so that I can build on the positive and make them even stronger, consistent, more frequent, and more pervasive.

 Amazingly, self-growth and self-progress speed along naturally expanding. Funny, giving up needing to be perfect has given me the confidence to feel perfect just as I am … right here, right now.

Like most human beings, I like pleasant things and dislike unpleasant ones. In fact, I used to really, really hate feeling yucky – “what’s wrong with me that I have these horrible feelings?” Over time, with mindfulness meditation, I’ve learned to make peace with the myriad of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations that assail me. The tool that has brought such wonderful freeness and joy into my life is … self-compassion.

 Within the past decade, social scientists and medical researchers have begun focusing on self-compassion. They’ve defined it as:

1. Noticing that you’re in pain.
2. Opening your heart to your pain and feeling kindheartedness towards yourself during this time of distress.
3. Maintaining an open, non-judgmental mind to what is arising.
4. Providing yourself with gentle nurturing and tender caring.

 I don’t know about you, but I’m always in the need for gentle nurturing and tender caring. And who else is better qualified to offer this to me than I am.

 Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a psychologist and researcher at the University of Texas in Austin, has a wonderful web site about self-compassion – http://www.self-compassion.org/. On her site, she discusses the three basic elements that comprise self-compassion. These are:

1. Self-kindness – Being warm and understanding towards yourself, rather than ignoring your pain or criticizing yourself when you fail, feel inadequate, or are suffering. As well as, making sure that you recognize your successes and strengths.
2. Common Humanity – Remembering that all humanity suffers, so that painful experiences and personal inadequacies remain part of the human experience … not just happening to you.
3. Mindfulness – Taking a balanced approach to your suffering by observing your experiences, sensations, and emotions with open, non-judgmental awareness.

 You could say that the need for self-compassion crosses cultures and centuries. Rumi, the 13^th-century Persian poet, wrote the following poem over 700 years ago:

“This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowed of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out of some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.”

How would you like to:

• Manage stress by reducing levels of stress hormones.
• Produce higher number of blood cells that protect the immune system.
• Have better quality and duration of sleep.
• Feel greater optimism about coming days and immediate week.
• Make more progress towards important personal goals.
• Have higher states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness, and energy. (Still experience unpleasant emotions, but a lot less impact.)
• Feel more likely to help others who have problems or need emotional support.
• Have greater optimism and enjoyment in life.
• Be less susceptible to depression, anxiety, anger and other destructive emotions.

I compiled the above list from worldwide research results on gratitude. Unequivocally, feeling grateful produces a happier brain, mind, and body. Now this doesn’t mean that you spend your day saying “thank you” to everyone you meet. It does mean, however, that you take time to notice, acknowledge, and feel grateful for the small gifts that life brings your way.

Because this is a blog about meditation, let’s first focus on meditation. Right now, as I type this to you, I feel a deep gratitude for the amazing gifts I have received from 20 years of meditating. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’ve liked all my meditations. Just the opposite – sometimes, I’ve hated it. I have had, however, life-changing experiences and significant health benefits.

No matter how difficult a meditation has been for me, I’ve always found something to hold with gratitude at the end of my sitting. On tough days, it could be as simple as feeling blessed that I still have the ability to breath, or that I didn’t leave in the middle out of frustration. On good days, I’m grateful for feeling peace, an integrated mind and body, and a heart that opens in joy.

It takes but a moment at the end of your meditation to express gratitude for something positive – and if you look, you will always find hidden blessings.

A non-meditation way that I practice gratitude happens just after I turn the light out at night. Silently to myself, I list three things that happened during the day for which I feel grateful such as: I had clean water to drink, had a great phone conversation with my mother, and received help with a presentation I was working on. Nothing major, and yet, the mind and body quickly relaxes for sleep. Whatever I had been worrying about gets put on the shelf until I take it down the next morning.

As you can see, having a simple gratitude practice requires just a brief moment of your time, plus mindfulness of what’s happening within and around you; in return, you receive huge benefits to your health and well-being.

Hello everyone.

Please forgive me for disappearing from this blog. In January, I came down with H1N1 (swine flu) in London. It took me 10 days before I could fly home and only now have I gotten my life back together.

I want to share with you how grateful I am for my insight/mindfulness practice during this extraordinarily difficult time.

My husband and I lived trapped in a hotel room instead of enjoying a longed-planned-for vacation. How easily it would have been for me to feel sorry for myself, angry at life for being unfair, and depressed at how my vacation was ruined. Instead, I kept reminding myself that life happens. That as a human being, I’m subject to the following natural laws:

• I am of the nature to get sick.
• I am of the nature to age.
• I am of the nature to die.

Practicing insight meditation trained my mind and re-wired my brain so that I held a space of equanimity and grace – even in the face of a 104° fever, deep disappointment, hotel-room-claustrophobia, and feelings of helplessness. “This is what life has given me … this is what has arisen … this is what I have now, but this too will change.”

Even when I did feel depressed, frustrated, angry – I found myself accepting all of these unpleasant emotions without fighting them or wanting to change them. I also knew that how I felt in each moment wouldn’t last. And most importantly of all, my husband didn’t become the recipient of all these yucky emotions.

Without my insight meditation practice, I would have turned the unavoidable pain and frustration of life into avoidable suffering for myself and, therefore, others. Instead, my road to recovery occurred faster than expected. I’m deeply grateful for the power of an insight meditation practice.

We all have different learning styles. This blog may be a perfect fit for those who prefer to learn by reading. The instructions I’ve given recently on Loving-Kindness might be a good fit for auditory learners because we internally “hear” the well-wishing. “May I feel safe. May I feel happy. May I feel healthy. May I feel peaceful.”

Today I want to offer a LovingKindness meditation for visual learners and for kinesthetic learners. So sit back. Read the instructions slowly, and perhaps “see” on your inner screen whatever you “see.” Feel in your body whatever you feel.

Breathe in peace from wherever you think peace resides.

A still mountain lake.

The trees in the forest.

A sunny meadow full of wildflowers.

The night sky with the moon and the stars.

Breathe in peace.

Breathe in peace from wherever you think you can find peace.

Allow peace to fill you.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love.

Breathe out love.

Perhaps you feel a bit of warmth in your heart.

Perhaps you notice an embracing acceptance.

Allow that warm embrace of love that you are breathing out to surround you in an embrace.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love to your most-beloved person.

(Your most-beloved person might have 4 legs!)

Give this love as a gift.

Breath is life.

Because we are all breathing the same air, breath connects us all.

Breathe in peace.

And breathe out love to your nearest and dearest.

As you see each person in your mind’s eye, share this peace and love with your nearest and dearest.

Notice that the more you give away, the more peace and love you have.

Now bring your attention back to yourself.

Breathe in peace and bring out love toward yourself.

Surrounding yourself with the embrace of love.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love to anyone who is near you.

Right now.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love.

Allow everyone around you to be part of your breath that contains this peace and love.

Share this peace and love that you feel.

If you only feel a little peace and love, share whatever you have..

If you feel a lot of peace and love, share that.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love toward a difficult person.

Not THE most difficult person in your life. But someone who rubs you the wrong way; someone you hold a little grudge against.

Breathe in peace, and breathe out love toward this difficult person.

After all, we share the same air.

We share the same earth.

Now breathe in peace, and breathe out love.

Allow your breathe to carry love as far as it can.

Out the room, out of the building, down the street, into town.

Allow your breath of love to flow into the countryside, into neighboring towns and cities …

and on and on, as far as it can go …

across the country, around the world.

Allow your breath of peace and love to flow.

May all creatures have peace and love in their hearts.

_______________

This meditation is adapted from a guided meditation by Ayya Khema.

For more visual LovingKindness  meditations,    go to www.leighb.com/metta.htm.

Please also visit Cheryl’s web site.

When we practice lovingkindness, traditionally, we recite phrases of well-wishing to ourselves. We might feel loving, or we might not. We might feel kind, or we might not.

If you don’t feel particularly kind or loving, then you have to proceed on faith. In mindfulness, faith has a different meaning than it does in traditional religions. There, faith can mean blind acceptance of unprovable beliefs. Blind faith. But here, I’m talking about a very small step of faith. The faith that kindness or that love already resides in your heart.

Perhaps this is not a big stretch of faith for you. Or perhaps your own native kindness is unimaginable. Faith means that you practice lovingkindness with the assumption that you will eventually find it.

I personally will guarantee that after a month of daily lovingkindness practice, you will notice a moment of open-heartedness where you’ve never before seen it.

When this happens, your faith is verified. You see that your assumption is true. There’s no magic here. Nothing unprovable to be believed. Prove it to yourself. Kindness exists in your heart. Then you have no need of blind faith. You simply have the direction experience of kindness.

Here are some traditional phrases. Test them out, and tweak them until you have phrases that you resonate with.

May I feel safe.

May I feel happy.

May I feel healthy.

May I feel peaceful.

May I be free from anxiety.

May I be free from ill-will.

May I be free from affliction.

May I abide in well-being.

May I be free from inner and outer danger.

May I have mental happiness.

May I be as strong as I can be.

May I have ease of well-being.

Sit down now for a little while, and whisper these phrases to yourself in your mind.

*                  *                   *                      *                     *                      *

The phrases that work for me are______________________________________________________.

Formal meditation is great all by itself. But it becomes even greater when we can translate the skills we learn in meditation into daily life situations. I was reminded of this as I sat in my dentist’s office this morning.

 The teeth cleaning:

Because I have a tendency to develop plaque and tartar, having my teeth cleaned has been, at times, an excruciating experience. But lately, I’ve discovered that I can make it a lot easier for myself (and, not coincidentally, for the hygienist) by focusing my mind on my body.

I do two different things: First, I scan the body for areas of tension and then consciously and gently relax those places. Second, in moments of noticeable discomfort, I find a place in body that is comfortable and focus my attention there as completely as I can.

Today, the place of comfort was the toes of my right foot. At other times, it’s been a knee, an elbow. etc. If I can’t find a place of actual comfort, I can always find a place that at least isn’t uncomfortable, such as my earlobe, and focus my attention there. I also check my breath from time to time, and, if it is a bit ragged or otherwise not steady and comfortable, I’ll modulate it to make it more comfortable.

 The x-rays:

Having to bite down on those things and hold them as the x-ray machine gets the image can be genuinely uncomfortable. So, again, I practice with finding a place of comfort in the body and focusing my attention there rather than on the discomfort in my mouth. In between x-rays, I check my breath.

 Hearing that I have three cavities that need filling:

I took this news in much greater stride than in the past. Having done formal equanimity and friendly kindness practices helped me simply accept. It also helped that I did a bit of friendly kindness practice as I sat in the chair, both at the beginning and toward the end of the appointment.

————————–

 Try these practices or ones like them for yourself. I’ll bet it helps.